Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week