Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.