Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.