Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?