[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
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If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
