[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
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Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.