Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

happy friday

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra