*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
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Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes