*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
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Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Smells like a challenge to me
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
this is how life feels
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**