Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

$3 #books

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

i made a craigslist ad !

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired