Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

I’m not alone. I have ants.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

Lmao 😁

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.