Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.