Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.