Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.