[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
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2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Love is always patient and kind.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table