[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
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Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
*launders Kohls cash*
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
nature’s most graceful animal
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.