[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
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Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”
So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”
Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?
3 yo: No, thanks.
🤦🏻♀️
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice