Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*