[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
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Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
