Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

how long have you had this for?

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..