first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
You Might Also Like
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
(Gaming support cat.)
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.