Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.