Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.