Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.