Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

And bowling should be called pinball

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

Most fashion shows these days…

Every work meeting this week

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”