[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
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Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
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[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes