Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.