[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
You Might Also Like
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Called it
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.