@TheAlexP

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

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@Michael1979

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

@TequilaSaltlife

Them: Can you fix my computer while I am at lunch?

Me: You do know IT people eat food like other humans, right?

@stevevsninjas

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

@Parkerlawyer

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

@jonnysun

“911 whats ur emergency”
omg im DYING
“we’ll send someone right awa–”
i met THE funiest guy
“ok wait so ur not actualy–”
AND HE STABBED ME

@morninggloria

why is it ok for adults to dress in the jerseys of their team when they go to games but weird when i show up to the doctor dressed in scrubs

@simoncholland

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

@Marlebean

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

@Viv_Ascious

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

@Brentweets

Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.