[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.