[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
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I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Nice try, poison.
The Friday File.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.