Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

Saturday

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.