[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.