Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

I ate everything, including the H.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank