Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer