Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun