Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

Kids: Stay in school.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

Sign of the day..

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

I have never related to a cat more

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?