[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
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I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.