@DirtMcTurd

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

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@Not_From_Troy

I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: “How the hell did you get into my house?”

@okaishawty

I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35

@ohpeetie

Today on Facebook:

1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes

@somecleverthing

Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks “wanna hear something amazing?”

@CatsVsHumanity

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

@undeadmolly

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

@garrydavenport

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

@specialsquid

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”