[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
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I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.