Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

12653.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.