Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip