Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

why would tinder want me to say this

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

How to draw a duck

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit