Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…

Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?