Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

“i miss shittin on people”

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.