[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
When a shoelace touches your ankle
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup