First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
They grow up so quick
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.