Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

(grounding my kid) go outside.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

time for some seasonal decor

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.