First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
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my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I don’t know what to do
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.