Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.