Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

Birds & Planes.

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.