Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler