*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
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“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion