[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.