Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Jesus Christ lmao

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

When can I start eating bats again.

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”