Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

My fantasy football season is going great

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

🛁

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*