Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

airing out the snack pack

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

What’s a Messi?

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.