Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

SPLOOT

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me