[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
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Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
never deleting this app.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here