Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

😂

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.