Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.