@Dad_At_Law

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

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@surrealvehicle

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

@ElleOhHell

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

@Fred_Delicious

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

@piddle_fart

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

@punmagnate

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

@Rollinintheseat

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

@P1ssed_K1d

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

@JackeeHarry

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

@nbadag

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

@Rica_Bee

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that