[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
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I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
*turns to camera*
*cop starts breakdancing*
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that