First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
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With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars