Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

Sorted