*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
termite twitter scares me
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I’m not average. I’m mean.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]