Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

So that’s what we looked like?

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real