Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder