Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

Chicken bread

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

good work, detective

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out