Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

😆

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*