Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

pain

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.