Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

This can never not be funny 😭😭

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Somedays I just love AI so much

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.