[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
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The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
