[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
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Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
⛄️
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Cat.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.