Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

*3.5 thank you very much.

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise