Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

RT if you know someone like this!!!

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me