[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
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I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Should I call tech support or pray or what
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
✨☝️✨
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”