[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
You Might Also Like
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Bringing home a sharpie
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
