[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
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Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
jesus, what did this guy do
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun